Testicles was one of the greatest ancient Greek philosophers, sir.
In the timeless words of Testicles,
"All men's souls are immortal, but the balls of the righteous are immortal and divine."
I couldn't be f***** to read all that, but I'm hoping it was relevant to PEN IS'.
While there is little concrete evidence of Testicles' personal life, information has been gathered and verified from oral communication passed down through thousands of years. Credence can be given to this due to the fact that generations of diluted storytelling is always infallibly correct.
Testicles was born via Caesarian section, a technique that he coined after the fact. Reports indicate that Testicles' testicles were so large that his mother Ovaries developed an additional womb to support and nourish them. After developing the term for this new method of giving birth, Testicles went on to invent Caesar to provide a reason behind the name. This ideal, of inventing new material and then creating reasons for it following its ensuing popularity, would later become an important part of his philosophic style.
Testicles grew rapidly. Fondled as a child, he continued to be poked and prodded before dropping as a result of all the pressure. Finding a new life, he began to teach sexual education at a local special education school. After maturing, he was able to develop his theories and began to formally teach the Testicular method.
At one point in Testicles' life, he fought a giant squid. He was sucked on with such force that he was nearly swallowed whole. Testicles, however, survived this experience and even derived great pleasure from it, emerging a new man.
Testicles was the first philosopher, or even man, to coin the phrase "Go with your gut." He then expanded on the phrasing to include "Use your instincts," "Shoot first, ask questions later," and "Put your balls to the wall." The Testicular Dictionary was formed, containing proper usage of Testicular principles. Busting one's balls originally defined a game in which repeated kicks to the testicles resulted in sterility, thinning the gene pool. Testicles was quoted as saying Nuts following an Athenian loss to the Spartan abdominal team.
The core ideal of the Testicular method is to create a concept that satisfies your given situation, preferably providing an easy and simple solution to nearly all problems. The exact steps are outlined below:
- A problem with an unidentifiable solution presents itself.
- A solution is brought forth based on instincts and testicular fortitude.
- The problem is temporarily alleviated, or not.
- Naysayers begin to question the solution.
- A proof is provided, and explanation for the solution gives it believability.
- If the problem is still not dissipated, outside factors or Democrats may be blamed, but the initial solution remains correct.
Many modern philosophers use Testicles' thinking in everyday life. Philosophers like Jesus Christ and Cluny have used the Testicular method to explain concepts ranging from the existence of God to the ridiculous plot of Ocean's Twelve.
The most prominent modern display of the Testicular method is in sports and entertainment. Football quarterback Rex Grossman employs first-level Testicular thinking, often resulting in long passes, interceptions, and spontaneous female orgasms. In fact, in almost all sports, it has become common practice to do something and then invent an explanation later, regardless of whether said action was beneficial or not. The movie business has also taken the Testicular method to heart, producing such travesties as Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Alien vs. Predator: Requiem.
THANK YOU, WIKIPEDIA.