So a couple of months ago I decided to spend my long Thanksgiving weekend in Waikiki when my cousin Aegeantyphoon (who doesn’t post enough anymore) offered to get me to Oahu for free using his airline miles. Bless him for that, thank you Typhoon.
I ended up missing Weezer play in our mutual hometown of Los Angeles. However, it led to the extreme pleasure of basking in the sun this weekend and to what I am certain will be a pleasurable but not-quite-as-warm trip to Chicago this January to see Weezer play and to finally meet Loveisquartz (who doesn‘t post enough anymore.)
Considering the brief duration of my trip, the goal was primarily relaxation; beach and boobs as opposed to bars and booze. I also set some time aside for a bit of sightseeing around the local area; I come to Hawaii every year or so but this was my cousin‘s first trip. We decided to use the time that we had away from the beach to go to Pearl Harbor, which was genuinely moving to the point where I wanted to send angry texts to my girlfriend. I decided against it as I forgot to pack my phone’s charger and wished to conserve the battery. I will let her know how I feel when I get home.
It has been a relaxing and interesting trip.
When we first arrived it was late Wednesday evening. After we settled in, I showed my cousin around the immediate vicinity and we discovered to our amazement that the hookers are still working the main avenue at 2 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Gobble, gobble. We ate a quick snack at McDonalds and returned to the condo to get some rest in preparation for a strenuous day of unwinding on the sand.
Allow me to pause and pass on the same tip I gave my cousin about eating at McDonalds in Waikiki. Forget the hookers, McDonalds WILL f*ck you and take your money if you’re not careful. When ordering a meal, be sure to tell them “ALOHA NO PINEAPPLE PLEASE F*CKING MAHALO” because they’ll give you pineapple as part of your meal and charge you without telling you. Every time. Sure enough they tried to pineapple-f*ck my cousin but because I warned him Typhoon pointed out their ruse and I’m a big hero now.
Thanksgiving day was wonderfully uneventful. Spent most of the day at the beach. Napped after the beach. Napped after the nap. Ate sushi instead of turkey. Walked around. Bought a few souvenirs. Friday was spent at the beach as well.
Friday night I decided to show my cousin the famous Duke’s, a restaurant with an outside patio that‘s right on the beach. Seating outside was difficult to obtain by any fair manner, so when the time was right I cut off a group of four people and stole their table as soon as it opened up. Score. The highlight of dinner was when some couple’s little kid fell into the spa on the outside patio which is covered by a small tarp but is otherwise unprotected. I was rooting for the hot tub as it would have been a heck of a lawsuit and I was the presumably the nearest lawyer, but the kid made it out.
Hot Tub: 1
Speaking of which, the condo where I typically stay has a recreation deck complete with pool, spa, sauna, and other amenities. We decided to relax in the spa at the end of the evening, hoping that we would fare better than the kid at Duke’s. Everything was going well until Jim, an elderly Canadian gentleman, decided to join us. He struck up a conversation (because all old people want is someone to listen to them) and at first there appeared to be nothing wrong with Jim apart from being Canadian. He told us comical surfing stories from his youth and joked that he had been on over 80 cruises because ‘that’s what old people do.’
But sure enough, the senility eventually kicked in and thirty minutes later my cousin and I were ready to drown ourselves. He was going through all the different cruise companies and giving us the pros and cons of each, which somehow turned into a conversation between Jim and himself about which cruises offer crab legs. He couldn’t remember and he was troubled by this. We took the opportunity to excuse ourselves.
Hot Tub: 2
On our final full day on Oahu we decided to split time between the beach and Pearl Harbor. After an hour on the bus we made it to Pearl Harbor and cruised around, seeing as much as we could in the short time we had. We snapped some photos of the memorials and took a tour of the U.S.S. Bowfin, a submarine that survived the battle and made some impressive kills as well. Neat. However, I was disappointed to learn that there is no suggestion box at Pearl Harbor.
“Pearl Harbor is interesting but depressing and I think that you should have one of those cardboard cutouts where people stick their heads through and it looks like they’re surfing or really buff or something, except that you should make the cutout be of soldiers bobbing up and down in the water surrounded by smoke and flames as to stay with the Pearl Harbor theme.”
It’s a genius idea and it will never happen because there was no suggestion box. I couldn’t even suggest a suggestion box because their was nowhere to submit my suggestion that there should be a suggestion box. Crappy.
We returned to the beach thereafter to catch our final rays of sun, ate dinner, finished up some shopping, and at the end of the evening returned to the condo to once again relax in the spa after a long day.
As we enter the recreation area I notice from afar that the spa is nigh-full of people. As I get closer I realize that life can have a cruel sense of humor.
In the hot tub I find four Japanese girls, mid-twenties, drinking beers, and they don’t speak a word of English. Three of them are smoking hot, and the fourth is above-average and the only one with a visible tattoo (this combination makes her the easiest of the four, by rule.) Why did this not ever happen to me on the twenty or so occasions that I’ve been to Hawaii while single? God hates me.
So there we are in the hot tub with these four cute and reasonably drunk Japanese girls. It was heaven. I felt like a young Rivers Cuomo except taller and better looking and with far less talent. My Japanese isn’t very good (yet) but I managed to point out in Japanese that “the girl is drinking a beer,” which garnered some smiles, likely due to my firm grasp of the obvious. Typhoon had no idea what I was saying to him but that wasn’t the point. Nevertheless, because I am faithful and apparently a huge failure, the girls went on their way about twenty minutes later upon which I let out a heavy sigh of sorrow and longing.
Hot Tub: 3
It is Sunday morning and we have a flight to catch so I’d best be on my way. I hope everyone had a happy Thanksgiving.