Puking drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.

"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he s*** in my pants too."

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Thor is in Valhalla, fighting, stick fiddling, or drinking everything in sight, as appropriate. Finally, he stands up, raises his hammer over his head, and shouts, "I'M THOR!!!"

Silence.

An old wench in the back of the hall stands up, looks around, and says, "You're thor? I'm tho thor I can hardly pith!"

Handshake Awareness...

Someone once asked me what's the difference between ignorance and apathy.
I told them: "I don't know, and I don't care."

Van Halen

with Kool & The Gang

http://www.thegarden.com/events/2012/VanHalen.html

 

lol...what?

teacher asked little timmy

"if you had 5 sweets and abdul asked for two sweets, how many sweets would you have?"

timmy replied "5 sweets"

 

“Shcool” is out.

Following a story in yesterday’s Post, red-faced Con Ed officials quickly ground down a piece of Stanton Street pavement to replace a humiliating spelling error — “SHCOOL X-NG” — etched outside a building housing three schools.

Authorities blamed the blunder on a clueless contractor.

The misspelled traffic alert — created with industrial “textured tape” that permanently sticks to the asphalt — was ripped up by heavy machinery shortly before noon, on the heels of the story poking fun at the educational irony.

Amazingly, the obvious error — in front a Lower East Side building hosting two high schools and a middle school — had been on the pavement since July 2010, according to Con Ed.

Initially, neighbors told The Post the error had been laid down over last summer.

“One of the teachers said to me, ‘I’m busy grading papers in the school. I’m not grading the city on their spelling,’ ” said Rene Anaya, the assistant principal at Lower East Side Preparatory HS.

Con Ed said the spelling snafu occurred after a contractor — which officials would not identify — ripped up the street for utility work and replaced existing markings.

A different contractor fixed the mistake yesterday.

“We know how to spell ‘school’!” one of the workers joked.

In the interests of brevity, only the wrongly placed “H” and “C” were ground down and repositioned.


 

http://www.nypost.com/p/news/local/spell_check_tUhhoYBpTPZKcbv2zfEuaL

did you hear about the statistician who's been sent to jail?

he now has zero degrees of freedom.

this has made me LOL all day!

One day the teacher told her class to think of something exiting that happened recently.

Little Suzie told about her trip to Florida.

Clyde said his dad got drunk all the time.

Little Johnny put a dot on the board and the teacher asked him to explain what was exciting about a period.

He said, "Hell if I know but my sister said she missed hers and my mom screamed, my dad had a heart attack, and the boy nextdoor killed himself."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.

 

I don't have a microwave, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks s***.

 

Mr. Pibb is a replica of Dr Pepper, but it's a b******* replica, 'cause dude didn't even get his degree.

 

I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes.

 

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

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