|Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.
"But he s*** in my pants too."
tom jones joke is awsm!
Man utd are being pulled over the coals over their 2012 calender as there is a picture of a c*** on each page
A wealthy Chicago businessman goes to Vegas and loses all but three dollars. He comes out of the casino and waves a taxi over. How much is a ride to the airport?" The driver replies that it is $5. "Come on I only have $3, but I'll pay you $10 when I get home by mailing you a check."" said the man. "No way" replies the Driver and throws him out of the car.
Two years later the man comes back and goes to the same casino. This time he wins money. As he exits the casino, he sees a long line of Taxi drivers.. and at the end is his enemy from two years ago.
Seeing this, the man decides to get his revenge. He goes up to the first Taxi and says: "hey will you give me a b******?" the taxi driver says: "no you freak, get out of my car!"
The man then goes on to the next car and says: "hey will you give me a b******?" the taxi driver says: "no you maniac, get out of my car!" The man continues to do this all down the line until he reaches the last taxi, and sees his enemy.
The man asks: "how much for a ride to the airport?" Not reconising him the driver replies: "$5" "Okay." says the man and he gets in. Then as he passes the line of other taxis, he sticks his hands out the window and gives them all a big thumbs up.
Went into the co-op and said to the lass behind the counter "Can i have a KitKat chunky?". She said "we don't sell kitkat chunkys sorry". I said "lemme rephrase that... can i have a normal kitkat, you fat b****"
What was the last thing they gave to Elmo before he left the factory?
A woman walks into a drug store to buy tampons. She notices a pile of tampon boxes stacked on a table in the corner with a sign on them saying "5 boxes for a dollar.
"Well, the woman just could not believe this price so she asks the clerk if it was correct.
He said "Oh yes, 5 for a dollar.
"She said "That can't be right!"
The clerk says "Oh yes, it's right !! 5 boxes for a dollar, no strings attached."
Q: What did the leper say to the prostitute?
A: "You can keep the tip"