|Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."
The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."
"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.
When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."
His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.
"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.
"He did," says the drunk.
"But he s*** in my pants too."
And God Created Woman
One fine morning in the Garden of Eden, God looked down upon Adam and noticed that he was looking glum. So the Lord said to Adam "What troubles you, my Son?"
Adam looked up to God ad said "I'm lonely, Father. I have no one to talk to."
So God said "Then I shall give you a companion, and she will cook and clean for you, and wash your clothes. She shall bear your children and never wake you in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will give you love and compassion whenever you want it. She will not nag at you, and will always be the first to admit she is wrong if you two ever disagree. She will love and support you no matter what, and always agree with any important decision you make. She shall be called a 'woman.'
Intrigued, Adam asked God "What shall this woman cost, Father?"
God replied "One arm and one leg, my son."
Adam pondered this question for a minute, and with the seriousness that only comes from complete certainty, he answered... "Hmm, what can I get for just a rib?"
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Which war did The Cookie Monster serve in?
You're right, this thread is a joke!
Don't stop Spaz.......I find this thread amusing
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Obi-Wan is deftly manipulating his chopsticks with the ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master.
Anyway, poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chop-sticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says,
"Use the FORKS, Luke."