This feels an appropriate time to write everything out.
There once was a very small boy. His name was Frank. He liked to play with my (Blurkom's) penis. He liked to pretend that it was a molecule, but he soon realised it was very large indeed. He was proud and bragged about when Frank woke up with a very lovely French copy of Vogue containing an article about Bruno Mars. Frank could not even begin to eat breakfast because he realized that the hot sauce was all over Blurkom's very small elbow, which he liked to stick in his mouth. In his pants, he kept a sharp object that he used on people he thought were made of testicle hair. Frank HATED testicle hair, but he loved/was surprised to find it had a certain texture that appealed to his flamboyant brother, who was a fireman stripper.
One day, Frank went to visit the strip club where Hestia sold copious amounts of cola made from her own urine. So he never was able to afford the cola and he didn't care for urine, so he sent a cake to his friend Kittens and Kittens was so excited that he peed his pantaloons and cried like a little Justin Bieber... fart.
"Shut up, Stefan." Kittens screamed as he f***** goats. Suddenly there was a stampede of gay men and they sang in the key of unicorns and butterflies. And all of the straights were equally outraged and as it was, nobody knew what happened in Guatemala. Frank and Kittens had a picnic in Guatemala, where and angry dwarf kidnapped their beloved toad, whose name was Puppies. He got sat on by a rather large English bloke who then said: "Sweet baby cheeses!"
Cheese? That reminded Frank of Blurkom because Blurkom stank of over ripe brie, however, that wasn't the problem. The problem was Blurkum's underpants were covered in sticky, pink, and frilly worms. The kind that enjoyed eating sweet baby cheeses and adorable little lolcats. We're talking cats that lol.
These cars really adore hot fudge. Of course, the lolcats don't believe that they're really lolcats, they think Who's Line is next?
Cool story, bros. It really was.
Wait, are we still doing this?
The tournament was never over. Continue the story blitches.
Frank was very well endowed. His brother was, too. Then they decided to switch their internet service provider. Little did they realize that midgets are really flexible and that they come in handy when you need something non-offensive. Frank was offended by all sorts of Dale Winton memorabilia, but what really pissed off Frank was piss, frankly. "Get it on!" shouted Frank. "Get off me spoicy jox n plenty!"
"AH YEAH" said the president of atnw, who is Charles Webster Baer. He punched Frank right in his chops, which was spoicy like sausage. Frank ran away into a small cavern with Charles. Meanwhile, a very raunchy girl, who was called lettuce, decided to meet a man called Lewis. They planned to have a big Weezer party but, instead, they thought it would be better to knit some sox. These sox were pornographic in nature and were covered in personal lubricant in tiny glittery Gary Glitter images. The socks walked like no other, as if they were made of delicious cocoa beans, but they weren't.
""Enough about socks..." Frank exclaimed as he shot a tuna fish salad.
"Why the hell did you shoot a perfectly good salad??" Yelled a man dressed as a lizard. It scared him to sleep. Meanwhile, an ominous cloud floated overheard.
"I'm drunk" shouted the cloud. Meanwhile, lizard man is sober!
"How the cuss could this be?" said Paul the magical transsexual goat. then...
The cloud said "Why are you talking to yourself?"
"Because I'm lonely!" said the lizard man.
The cloud shouted: "Make some friends!" then breezes away.
Frank woke in the dark cavern full of carrots. He cautiously lit a match then realized he actually lit a giant's big toe. "Oops," he mumbled.
"Who are you?" asked the giant before the sudden tsunami washed them all the way to New York! The giant's toe swelled like a buggered pigs arse right after it has been buggered. He was confused, so very confused and fell asleep. Frank quickly tied the facts together then this proved that his father was not Vader, but instead was a hamster named Ha Lookin Ass.
Anyway, in order to bring back sexy, Frank decided that a training seminar was needed. He contacted a person at random via Thomson local. The next day, a package arrived which was encased in a crystal made of poop. Opening the crystal required Frank to get a scalpel made of ham. Specifically, arse ham.
"Arsenical ham, actually." said a policeman. The policeman approached and drew his big long black belt and whipped some chocolate mousse.
"OUCH!" Yelled the puppy. Frank quickly jumped off the chain and set a bear trap. A bear appeared and looked at the trap, then suddenly a skeleton danced the Hokey around the trap. Frank tried to fly with magic in me, baby, but he was covered in honey. *honey* meaning prostitutes.
"Frank the pimp?" asked the skeleton.
'This has been weird, skeleton" said Frank while trying to contain his eagerness to end the story, decided not to end.
"Will it end?"
"Will it blend?"
"Can I send my dwarf friend?"
Frank's mind was utterly confused, so he dropped acid into Stefan's drink on his foot. "Stefan, pick up the god damned foot, you fool!" Frank's patience for the disabled was very quickly becoming so very very worn thin. He... "drugs are bad."
Frank's phone rang, "Stefan rudely interjected." Then he wobbled to the nearest brothel to get his hands on nothing at all which was disappointing because he thought he could finally end his adventure. However, he did end his life.
At his funeral, he was reincarnated as a rapper. The ATNW song never existed. It never could because atnw never existed. Although, some believe in Crackerjack, most point and laugh at his failure to ever complete the song. "What a steaming pile of mashed potatoes," said Frank. "I wish I could.." he sighed unhappily.
As a ghost, he moved, silently, towards the darkness and into the Goddamn end of nothing! And he lost all narrative, franks, and beans.
Anyway the end...
Bump for a good read.
This made my morning!
I just sent this to David Fincher. See you at the Oscars!
That was hysterical...never saw the finished product until now....lets do it again!!